First of all, who even knew they made so many different types of Pop Tarts? Who is in charge of these things?
Here is what arrived on my doorstep the day before my friends arrived for the tasting:
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| From left to right: Pumpkin Pie, Blue Raspberry, Cinnamon Roll, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Cookies & Creme, PB & J Strawberry, and Confetti Cupcake Not shown: Diabetes |
We needed a standardized method of assessing each type of Pop Tart, so we devised a basic scoring system where we judged looks, smell, taste, and overall impression on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is hot garbage and 10 is manna from heaven. Participants in this brave experiment were Jess, Tony, John, and me (Angela). The Pop Tarts were toasted because it was agreed that this was the way Pop Tarts were meant to be eaten.
LET'S BEGIN.
CONFETTI CUPCAKE
APPEARANCE:
JESS: "Looks bland."
TONY: "Looks okay."
JOHN: "Looks awesome."
ANG: "Looks like funfetti cupcakes."
SMELL:
JESS: "Smells doughy."
TONY: "Smells like Pop Tart."
JOHN: "Smells like sugar."
ANG: "Smells like vanilla cupcakes and bakery."
TASTE:
JESS: "Exceeded expectations, heavy icing flavour (note: she actually spelled it this way because she is Australian and awesome)."
TONY: "It's alright. Tastes like dough and frosting. More like frosting."
JOHN: "Very good and yet mediocre at the same time. Frosting flavor was overpowering."
ANG: "Tasted purely like vanilla frosting."
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
JESS: 6/10, would not buy.
TONY: 7/10
JOHN: 6/10
ANG: 8/10
WILLIAM'S OPINION:
Did not like.
BLUE RASPBERRY
APPEARANCE:
JESS: "Looks weird. Why is it blue?"
TONY: "Looks like a Pop Tart."
JOHN: "LOOKS AWESOME."
ANG: "Really artificially blue, like candy my mom would never let me have. Also reminds me of that old Solo Jazz design."
SMELL:
JESS: "Smells very delicious."
TONY: No comment on smell.
JOHN: "I can't smell anything."
ANG: "Smells like Kool-Aid."
TASTE:
JESS: "Tangy, I like the tangy. I want more of this one."
TONY: "This tastes like a Pop Tart, like other Pop Tarts just with a different fruit. It's good."
JOHN: "BOMB!!!!"
ANG: "Like Kool-Aid, just surprisingly, way less sweet."
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
JESS: 9/10
TONY: 7/10
JOHN: 9/10
ANG: 6/10
WILLIAM'S OPINION:
LOVED it. Ate the entire piece.
COOKIES & CREME
APPEARANCE:
JESS: "Looks appealing!"
TONY: "Looks awesome!"
JOHN: "Looks awesome."
ANG: "Looks like Oreos."
SMELL:
JESS: "Smells like a brownie."
TONY: "Smells like cookies!"
JOHN: "Smells amazing."
ANG: "Smells like brownies."
TASTE:
JESS: "Tastes like Oreos, warm Oreos, a little doughy, and not breakfast."
TONY: "Good, definitely a treat, very sweet."
JOHN: "Tastes chocolatey. Was good."
ANG: "Tastes artificial, like fake chocolate. VERY sweet."
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
JESS: 8/10
TONY: 9/10
JOHN: 6/10
ANG: 4/10
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| Pleased baby is Pleased |
WILLIAM'S OPINION:
"Will ate the shit out of this." - Tony
PB & J Strawberry
Link
APPEARANCE:
JESS: "Looks gross. Like diseased poo."
TONY: "WTF? Jelly sprinkles on PB frosting??"
JOHN: "Looked okay."
ANG: "Looks like it was handmade by a toddler."
SMELL:
JESS: "Smells odd."
TONY: "Nope."
JOHN: "Smells just like PB&J."
ANG: "Smells like jam that's expired. Does jam expire? That's what it smells like."
TASTE:
JESS: "Tastes even more odd. Very wrong."
TONY: "This does not taste good at all. It's like someone went camping with PB&J supplies and left them in the sun too long. Did not let William eat it as I love my son."
JOHN: "Tasted mediocre."
ANG: "Tastes like when my mom used to pack my lunch for a field trip the next day, and the lunch boxes were left out unrefrigerated all day, and then my PB&J was soggy from a melted ice pack and had that slightly decomposed flavor to it."
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
JESS: Nope/10
TONY: Thumbs down/10
JOHN: 3/10
ANG: 2/10
WILLIAM'S OPINION:
Tony and Jess are good, caring parents, and spared their son this horror.
PUMPKIN PIE
APPEARANCE:
JESS: "Looks surprisingly delicious!"
TONY: "Who buys this shit?" (It should be noted that Tony is not a fan of cinnamon-based snacks).
JOHN: "Looks basic."
ANG: "Looks festive, I guess."
SMELL:
JESS: No comment on smell.
TONY: "I want to vomit slightly."
JOHN: "Couldn't detect smell."
ANG: "Smells like actual pumpkin pie."
TASTE:
JESS: "A good nutmeg/ginger flavour. I would eat these again!"
TONY: Refused to taste it.
JOHN: "Taste, couldn't put my finger on it."
ANG: "Actually tastes like pumpkin pie. Thought it would be a cloying, disgustingly sweet attempt at pumpkin, and I'm pleasantly surprised."
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
JESS: 9/10
TONY: 0/10
JOHN: 5/10
ANG: 8/10
WILLIAM'S OPINION:
"Will says no." - Tony
HOT FUDGE SUNDAE
APPEARANCE:
JESS: "Appealing."
TONY: "Looks festive."
JOHN: "Looks good."
ANG: "Looks like a birthday cake."
SMELL:
JESS: "Smells like fudge, which is a good start."
TONY: "Smells 8/10."
JOHN: "Smells like heaven."
ANG: "Smells like chocolate cake."
TASTE:
JESS: "Sadly, it tastes claggy (note: I had to look this word up because I am not Australian). Kind of glue-like. Taste is a disappointment as look and smell are appealing."
TONY: "This one is pretty good. Not as good as the cookies one, though."
JOHN: "Taste, couldn't put my finger on it."
ANG: "Tastes like fake chocolate plastic. I now have pre-diabetes."
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
JESS: 4/10
TONY: 8/10
JOHN: 3/10
ANG: 5/10
WILLIAM'S OPINION:
"Will has started to slow down from his pieces." - Tony
CINNAMON ROLL
APPEARANCE:
JESS: "Looks a bit naff."
TONY: "I hate cinnamon."
JOHN: "Looked like it could use more frosting."
ANG: "Looks like it's going to be super dry."
SMELL:
JESS: "Smells like pecan pie."
TONY: "Fuck cinnamon."
JOHN: "Smells great."
ANG: "Smells like candles."
TASTE:
JESS: "I like the crunch of the icing, nice texture. Cinnamon is not too overpowering."
TONY: "I still hate cinnamon, but it tastes like a cinnamon roll."
JOHN: "Tastes awesome."
ANG: "Tastes gooey, sweet, cinnamon-y, like everything cinnamon roll scented candles make you want to eat."
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
JESS: 8/10
TONY: 1/10
JOHN: 7/10
ANG: 10/10
WILLIAM'S OPINION:
"Will crushed it in his hand. Good boy." - Tony
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH
APPEARANCE:
JESS: "Looks generous."
TONY: "7/10."
JOHN: No comment on appearance.
ANG: "Looks like a standard, nondescript Pop Tart."
SMELL:
JESS: No comment on smell.
TONY: "7/10."
JOHN: "Smells like waffle cones and Disney World."
ANG: "Smells like store-bought cookies."
TASTE:
JESS: "Taste fulfills promise of cookie dough. But why? Tastes a bit like space food sticks."
TONY: "It's okay. I was hoping for more."
JOHN: "Loved it."
ANG: "Tastes like artificial dog shit. Like it's all chemicals. Like what you'd eat after an apocalypse."
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
JESS: 7/10
TONY: 7/10
JOHN: 8/10
ANG: 0/10
WILLIAM'S OPINION:
"I think Will will be up all night now. Thanks FEMSHEP." - Tony (note: You're welcome). |
| The brave souls, John, Jess, William (hidden), and Tony |
FINAL MUSINGS
Jess: "In Australia, there was only two types of Pop Tarts, apple cinnamon and I THINK strawberry. I don't like Pop Tarts. I feel ill. Pop Tart jitters are a thing. I don't want to look at another Pop Tart for a while but if I HAD to eat one it would be blue raspberry."
Tony: "When I was a kid, I would love the bit with the frosting on the edge and it was a debate, eat the frosting edge or save it for last. First World Problems."
John: "Very content."
Ang: "I now want to curl up and die. I have a sugar headache. I am so ashamed."
Do not try this at home. Ugh.
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