"Jewish Christmas"

The genius Adam Sandler has said, "Hanukkah is the festival of lights; instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights." Many Jewish celebrations involve the kindling of lights (including our weekly big deal), so it's no huge surprise that during Hanukkah, Jewish families across the globe would light a menorah in celebration. However, since the timing of this festival of lights often coincides with the Christian holiday of Christmas, Hanukkah gets the bum rap of being called "The Jewish Christmas."

Nope. Not the Jewish Christmas. Not even close. Here's why.

Christmas, the Christian holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, is celebrated 25 December with decorated trees, special songs, cookies, and gifts for family and friends. It is considered a national holiday in the United States and carries with it timeless traditions of a special meal and an all-day marathon of one of the greatest movies ever made.

Hanukkah, on the other hand, is none of these things.

This is a menorah made from nanoparticles because science is amazing

Hanukkah celebrates a massive military victory for the Jewish people. In really old times, the land of Judea (now Southern Palestine) was controlled by Egypt, until 200 B.C.E. (Before Common Era) when the Hellenistic Syrian King Antiochus III dominated at the Battle of Panium. This meant that the Jewish people in Judea had a new, Greek-raised king. Antiochus III was cool, he declared that the Jews he became leader of would be guaranteed the right to "live according to their ancestral customs" which was pretty nice of him. He also protected the Jew's right to worship at the Second Temple in Jerusalem which was a really big deal. So everyone's happy.

Until 175 B.C.E. when Antiochus III dies, and his asshole son took over and basically did the royal equivalent of flipping over chairs and tables and invaded Judea with the support of a really weird band of Jews. Basically there was a misunderstanding and everyone thought Antiochus IV was dead, so a priest named Jason (also recorded as "Jesus," but I'm not getting into that) seized the opportunity and rallied an army to take over the land controlled by Antiochus IV.

Understandably, Antiochus IV was kind of pissed off about that, so his completely reasonable response to this was to slaughter a ton of Jewish people. In a massive act of douchebaggery, Antiochus IV outlawed the observance of Shabbat and circumcision (very big deals to the Jewish people), and if that weren't bad enough, he also sacked the very important Second Temple, and used the alter to sacrifice pigs. The sacrifice of pigs was a douche move on two fronts:

1) Pigs are considered an unclean animal in Judaism;
2) Pig sacrifice was a traditional thing for the Greek Gods

So this act would basically be like someone going into a church or synagogue today, humping the alter or bima, spitting everywhere, and slaughtering adorable kittens. Just, what an asshole.

That was it. The Jewish people, under Mattathias and his sons, got super pissed and decided to revolt. Mattathias's son, Judah, was such a beast that the people gave him the nickname/surname "The Hammer," which comes from the Aramaic word "maqqaba," which we now say "Maccabee."

(The figurehead for my old squadron in the Navy was a lion, which is cool, but we were called "The Valions," which is less cool. If we had been called "The Hammer," then I bet we would have been a terrifying bunch of sailors. No disrespect to the absolute champions I worked with, who did earn the squadron slogan of "None Finer").

Alright, so, Judah the Maccabee was absolutely done with the Greek sympathizers and their treatment of the Jewish people. He had enough. After his father Mattathias died, Judah took over as the leader of the revolt against Antiochus IV, and by 165 B.C.E., the revolt against the assfaced king was a great success.

One of the first orders of business for the Maccabees, as they had become known, was to clean out the Second Temple of its rude defilement by the Greeks, and to build a new alter. The rededication of the Temple was celebrated with the festival of Hanukkah. The word "Hanukkah" comes from the Hebrew word which means "to dedicate" so that explains that.

I could end the story here, because this is what we are celebrating at this time of year, but then a lot of you gentiles would still be scratching your head wondering where the menorah and eight nights and latkes and dreidel come into play.

"Into play." See what I did there

So, the story goes, after Judah and his people cleaned, resanctified, and rededicated the Temple, they ordered a menorah to be lit with fresh olive oil. There was only enough oil to burn for one night, but miraculously, the menorah burned for eight days, which was enough time to make a fresh batch of oil for the Temple. The veracity of this story has been called into question, and the majority verdict is, no one cares. Whether the oil burned for one night or eight, the military victory was still massive, the Jewish people still gained the right to openly practice their religion, and that's what's important. The menorah and the eight candles (plus the shamash - the candle used to light the others) are a reminder of that magnificent victory, and a reminder that light always casts out darkness.

Now, the parts of the Haunkkah celebration, explained.

A Dreidel is a toy that works kind of like a spinning top. You spin the dreidel, and what happens next depends on the face of the dreidel that is showing when it lands. There are four faces to a dreidel:

ב - "nun"
ג - "gimel"
ה - "hay"
ש - "shin"

The letters correspond to the Hebrew phrase "נס גדול היה שם" which translates to "Nes Gadol Hayah Sham," meaning "a great miracle happened there." (Fun fact: in Israel, the fourth letter is פ, pei, because the expression changes to "a great miracle happened here.")

Dreidel is played with the actual dreidel toy and a bunch of chocolate gelt or basically anything you want. If the dreidel lands on "nun," nothing happens, no gelt is exchanged. If it lands on "gimel," you get all of the gelt that's in the pot. If it lands on "hay," you get half the pot. And if it lands on "shin," you add a piece of gelt to the pot. At the end of the game, everyone wins, because chocolate.

As with basically all other Jewish holidays, food is a big part of the celebration. At Hanukkah, fried foods are enjoyed to kind of connect with the whole "miracle of the oil" thing. I'm 100% okay with this.

The one big food that most people associate with Hanukkah is the latke, or fried potato pancake.

Basically made the entire rebellion worth it

Another biggie is sufganiyah, or sufganiyot (plural), the lesser-known Hanukkah delight.

Not a jelly doughnut

These are basically jelly doughnuts, except these can be made with brandy, which sounds so awesome.

So, to recap: Hanukkah does not celebrate the birth of a messiah, because Jews believe the messiah is yet to come (so hasn't been born yet, probably). Doesn't celebrate a divine miracle, per se. Hanukkah celebrates the Jews' kicking the asses of a king who outlawed Judaism and everything associated with it. Celebrates good triumphing over evil. Celebrates light overcoming darkness. And, also, you know, the rededication of the Second Temple in Jerusalem.

So the next time you see a Menorah, remember that great miracle!